Telling me what to do again

It’s been far too long since I’ve done one of these posts, but at a relatively slow time for serious news it’s a good time to break stuff like this out. Somehow it seems appropriate for Friday the 13th.

In my e-mail box I keep a stack of messages from various entities which often write me with an assumed name and tell me how to run my website. One of my favorite pitches is the one which tells me how lacking my SEO is – I love the effort to sound hip with the jargon on this one:

Dear monoblogue,

My experts were analyzing your website and found that your website is not handling recent updates from search engines.

Also your traffic flow is poor from last couple of months due to some of the reasons. You might know about recent Google UPDATES like Phantom 3.0, Panda 4.2, and Penguin 4.0.

Google has completely dropped all authorship functionality from the search results and web master tools. So be careful on it and take the help of a SEO company to fix it.

Obnoxious e-mail from “Alex Morgan”, whose e-mail address had a completely different name

Or maybe I just need “immediate improvement.”

(And yes, this is verbatim too.)

Hi Monoblogue.Us,

I have a complete analysis report ready with me which shows your website needs immediate improvement. Your business need to have a concrete SEO strategy in place if you want to succeed in online marketing.

We can deliver you the exact solution you are looking for your website.

We will be targeting search engine and Social networks to get you maximum visibility. Our experts will maintain good impression through our online reputation management services. Also you will get Regular updates on website to make it look fresh and error free.

Give consent, my technical team will prepare a comprehensive call to action plan to reach your target audience.

We will be looking forward to your response.

One of my annoying e-mails, from “Steve Morgan”

Here’s my response: I really love ESL pitches. The only immediate improvement I need is to have a little more time for blogging, but aside from that I would stack my body of work up against anyone’s.

And since I don’t lose any sleep over what I write, I don’t see a need for “online reputation management.” So there you go.

Speaking of ESL, try this one:

Dear monoblogue Owner,

Hope you are doing well!

We came to know that you are concerned with bringing new customers from your target market and beat your competitors to boost your business. If you are interested, we can help you to identify the gray areas and best possible solutions.

I’m confident enough to get your website on #1 Page of Google with all round improvement in your brand value and sales.

Please revert back to know more about our services.

I look forward to hearing from you.

An e-mail from “David Wilson.” Yeah, right.

Perhaps it’s from a very British-influenced nation, but carrying on…

I also get a lot of people who are interested in advertising on my site, but not in the way I would prefer. It’s often a pitch of,”Can you please write to us if you can publish an article with a link to our website or any other form to link our website and how much it will cost.”

Or, if I was so inclined, I could have someone else write it. “One of our clients has shown interest in being featured on (your site) in a guest post. We have a great team of writers and we can provide the article, or if you prefer, you can also write it and feature our client.”

How about if I just write what I like instead of selling my blog’s soul? I’m sorry to disappoint the struggling writer in some craphole country who’s not getting the quarter for the thousand-word post which would otherwise be placed in this space, but this is my modest, humble little home and I like knowing I built it.

Finally, here’s the key question:

I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how long have you been blogging for?

Sophie Naylor, Team Leader and Biscuit Consumer, bloggersconnected.com

Yes, she asked. Does my site not say it’s been around since 2005? At least her site looks somewhat legit, although I’m not one who would like to be paid in euros.

Once upon a time I thought I could make a living at this, but I’ve found there are many more people who would like to relieve me of my meager subsistence through get-rich-quick schemes for the gullible than people who would legitimately enjoy what I write and rattle my tip jar. (It still happens once in a great while, though.) But there’s still hope writing may supplement my retirement, and it did occur to me the other day that the paying job I’ve held longest in my life is that of writing for The Patriot Post.

So I suppose I’m doing something right, despite the naysayers. At least their e-mails give me a smile and inspiration.